Life.

I find myself wondering everyday if I actually have made in impact on peoples lives and I always wonder if I've made the best decisions.  As I look around this beautiful home I have created and bought on my own will, I wonder if I was truly ready for such a big responsibility at such a young ripe age of 21.  Sure the stresses get me down sometimes, as owning your own home is extremely stressful and taxing on my emotions but I honestly feel that if I hadn't have done this, I'd probably still be living at home with my ma and pa.  Which necessarily isn't a completely awful thing, because don't get me wrong, I basically live there on weekends anyways, but I wouldn't have this sense of independence and self-sufficiency that I have now.

I find myself over analyzing every single thing I do, every single look I get from people.  That is not the way I want to live my life.  I miss being a happy  go-lucky, carefree girl!  I was having a conversation with someone a couple weeks ago and she said her "New Years Resolution" was to "find her smile again."  When I got home later that night I found myself sitting there wondering what that could mean in so many different aspects of my life.  Then it hit me. I've lost the one thing that made me, me.  My smile.  You could always see my happiness in my smile.  I was always smiling. Always.  It didn't matter if I didn't do something I was supposed to or made somebody upset, I always smiled because I knew I was going to get through it and come out a better person in the long run.  

I need to get back to that.  My new life motto is "que sera sera" for those of you who don't know what that means it is "whatever will be will be."  Life has a funny way of working itself out.  It gets tough. Oh fuck, does it get tough and there are days where you think you just can't get through it; there is always going to be something better. Something worth learning.  Something to grow from.  My life is far from perfect, yet in it's own little weird, quirky way, its kind of perfect for me.

Live. Grow. Learn. And most of all. LOVE.

January 10.

Hello my dearest blog followers/readers!  As I was completely overwhelmed by the response on my last post I figured it was about time for another heartfelt somewhat depressing post!

January 10th.  January 10th 1928.  The day Marion Elizabeth Morton was born.  For those of you who do not know who Marion is, she is my fathers mother.  Marion had four brothers and one sister; went to war for our country and eventually married Fred Deeg.  Fred and Marion had four wonderful children together.  Susan, Larry, Dave and Roger.  Fred passed away when the kids were young and Marion was now a widowed mother.  A few years later Marion met Charlie Hall and they got married and had a daughter Cheryl. Growing up on the farm was Marion's life and she loved it!

As Charlie and Marion raised the kids they eventually all began to start their own families.  That's where I come into the picture! Little ol' me born May 6th of 1992 to make everyones lives soooo much better! Just kidding. That was a little boastful; my apologies.  Anywho! Back to my story here.  When I was a kid I remember going over to grams and gramps to pick raspberries, make jam, listen to grandpa play the banjo or the harmonica, or even help grams roll her cigarettes; and let me tell you this was one of my favourite tasks!  Now your probably thinking "what did those rednecks do out on the farm?!" and let me tell you were were the most normal family around; as far as we knew!  So when gramps passed away when I was in grade three my world was shattered.  I remember not going to school and when anyone asked me about it, I would breakdown into tears.

Growing up, going over to grams house was literally one of my favourite things to do.  Christmas mornings were my absolute favourite thing in the history of the world.  We'd wake up at home, open our gifts with mom and dad then dad would go feed the cows at Uncle Dave's and we would get ready to go to grams for Christmas morning breakfast.  All of us.  All 19 of us.  It was glorious, loud and full of laughter.  Indian leg wrestles, riding the stationary bike while eating cookies and drinking coffee, snowball fights, you get the picture.  Just imagine a whole lot of crazy in one house and you will get our Christmas morning, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Needless to say I eventually grew up and started to have a life of my own, I started to drive, I started to go to parties or the bar once I was 18 and started to drift away.  One of my biggest regrets.  My biggest regret in life is not spending more time with grams as an adult.  I kick myself in the ass everyday for it.  I was your typical selfish teenager who only wanted to spend time my with people who I now don't even talk to. So when grams was diagnosed with breast cancer my "Daelyn bubble" popped and I was broken.  I was scared for her and I didn't know what to expect, so when she decided to get a mastectomy I was in complete awe of this woman.   I was young and thought it was sweet the grams had a bra with a fake boob in it.  IT FELT REAL!!! (Just incase you were wondering haha) Anywho grams kicked breast cancers ass and was doing great!

And then BAM there it was again.  Cancer.  This time it wasn't breast cancer, this time it was lung cancer.  This time I knew something was different. I was different.  I needed to be there for her, so when she started her radiation I tried to be there with her as much as I could.  Let me tell you, seeing her like this was actually the hardest thing I've ever experienced.  She was put into hospice at the hospital and we went and saw her all the time.  I even took her DQ milkshakes and sundaes to cheer her up.  When it was time to say goodbye I was not ready, but who is ever truly ready to say goodbye to someone you love more than life?  I couldn't work.  I wouldn't eat.  I went into a pretty dark depressed state.  Grams passed away May 15th 2012 and my life has yet to be the same.  I have never missed anyone so much in my entire life.  There were days I just held the blanket she made me and cried, but with the help of my family and the few great friends that I have and the amazing Corinna that I saw on July 15th 2013 I knew she was okay and I knew she was with me and still loved me.

As last Friday passed, I sat on my lunch break and silently wished Grams a Happy 86th Birthday.  I miss her everyday and will never forget the cherished memories I have of my Angel above.

Don't take your time with your family for granted, you never know when something could jump out of the wood works and shatter your world.  Cherish the small moments.  Document them.  Take pictures.  Make videos.  Indulge in each others presence.  Most of all, tell the people you love that you love them.

Medium.

Here we go.  My first ever blog post.  As I sit here trying to figure out why I decided to start a blog, I find myself wondering why now?  Why at this point in my life did I decide to share my thoughts and aspirations with people I think I know, or people who think they know me? And I figure why the hell not!

Let's start from the beginning.  I grew up on a farm North of Strathmore near Lyalta for 19 years and they were the best years of my life.  I wouldn't trade the life on the farm for anything.  I have the most loving parents a girl could ever ask for and I don't know what I would do without them.  Oh, and that brother of mine, eh he's pretty fantastic too.  As much as I hate to admit we get along sometimes he's probably the one person I would run to if I ever had a problem that I couldn't talk to anyone about. That amazing man is now married and starting a family of his own, which is bound to arrive early February and I cannot wait to be an auntie.

For the majority of my life I've been one of the girls who always had self confidence issues, but hey! WHO DOESN'T!  Relax, this isn't going to be my sob story of me complaining that I'm fat and overweight.  I, frankly, don't give a shit anymore what people think of me, nor do I care to hear what you have to say about my body image.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point in my life and I have to say it's been a bumpy ride, but I had the help of a friend of mine who passed away a couple of years ago.

On July 15, 2013 I went and saw a medium.  I honestly just went because I thought Theresa Caputo was the shit and I wanted to see if it was real and to see who would come through for me.  Let me start off by saying holy crap this is real and you get away with nothing when your loved ones have passed on.  Anyways, Corinna started doing her normal medium thing and then went on and said "the information you are about to receive is intended to be guidance and guidance alone and you are in control of your own life..  Daelyn they are telling me you are a wonderful, fun and happy person on the outside, but on the inside it is a whole different story.  They tell me you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and that you good at putting on a fake face for people to think you are happy.  They are telling me that you need to do some housecleaning in your relationships."

And then she went on some more about some other things and then all of a sudden she looks at me and says "I have a young man here who won't even let me finish here, did you lose someone young?" I quietly whispered a yes as I knew exactly who it was.  It was Josh.  "He's an impatient young man!" she says and starts to laugh.  As she says this I burst into tears as I am not ready in the slightest to hear from him. She says "he's very excited because he wants to talk to you so badly, and I am going to start crying because I can feel his emotions as well, and he has to start talking now because he's getting mad at me."  And that was it I was in full blown emotional melt down.  "He's asking and praying that you forgive him, and he's been asking for forgiveness for so long and he wants to bring healing to you and to everyone he hurt with his actions.

"I was an ass; I have to own that," he said and she went on to tell me so many more things about how he's doing and how he is on the right path and on the right side. "I'm okay! Relax! I'm okay!" he says as if he was reading my mind.  That's all I ever wanted; to know that he was okay.  And then it got into the serious stuff.  "Stop letting people treat you so badly; that's why you get into the sullen states that you do because you don't know your own worth.  Just remember everything happens for a reason. You've been bullied severely; everything happens to make you who you are supposed to be.  And we have choices in life, and you put a smile on your face and you're choosing to be a good person, you're not choosing to be toxic and negative and angry; you could! You easily could, but you haven't.  See how strong you are?  You don't give yourself enough credit for your strength; that speaks volumes of who you are.  The key behind all of this is that you are learning something from all of it, it's making you into the person you are meant to be.  You've been bullied in so many aspects of your life you just take it and don't do anything with it and don't stand up for yourself.  You need to stand up for yourself.  How you stay smiling; it's a wonder, but it's a true testament of how beautiful you really are."

And there is was.  The first time a boy had ever told me I was beautiful.  Granted, he wasn't saying to my face or anything but this felt more special.  More real and more meaningful than I could have ever wanted it to be.  She looks at me and says "he wants me to kick you in the ass."  To which I confusedly reply (laughing of course) "why!?" and she simply replies "you need to have more confidence and not mistreat you either.  You need to find your self worth."  "You're a good girl, and you've got a heart of gold and you deserved to be loved, but you need to clean house.  You have some people in your life that are toxic and that aren't good for you. They are using and abusing you and you need them gone."  I then found myself going through the people in my life and analyzing the relationships I have with them and wow, was he ever right. I am the epitome of a people pleaser.  To which in later months I've thought about and actually pulled away from the people I was trying to please the most, as it wasn't benefiting me; it was only benefiting them.

"I'm going to bring this up and I know you aren't going to want to talk about it but he is saying that he needs to talk to you about it so here it is; your weight."  Right there my heart dropped to my stomach. and I was done.  I didn't want to hear anymore because at this point I never wanted to talk about it, especially with a guy but here it goes.  "My god girl, get over yourself.  Weight has nothing to do with who you are as a person.  The only time weight comes into play is if you are unhealthy and you've got a clean bill of health so relax.  Beauty is who you are as a human being, think about a blind person.  They meet your soul and have no idea what you look like, they could careless what you look like.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if people don't like you for who you are then fuck them."  And that was the Josh I knew.  It wasn't going to be a real conversation with Josh until I heard an f-bomb.

As the reading went on Josh and I talked about a couple other things and then all of a sudden she says "Josh is stepping aside for a lady who has been waiting very patiently to talk to you," and instantly I knew who it was.  It was Grams.  Grandma Marion Hall.  The most special woman in the world.  And as I sit here writing this blog I tear up just thinking about her.  She was such an amazing woman.  She fought in the war, she had five kids, nine grand kids, and seven great grandkids who all love her and miss her more than words could express and when Corinna asked me who she was I couldn't even say her name.  I couldn't come to terms with the fact that A) she was gone and B) she was here at this very moment.

"She cradled you as a baby and she loves you very much.  I have to come and talk to you about you self image because you are so beautiful and I miss you so much."  And I was sobbing, I couldn't comprehend that she was actually there.  It was different with her. "I see you everyday, I am with you everyday and I see you crying those tears behind closed doors.  I love you for who you are and I think you are absolutely perfect."  Perfection is perception.  I have never had that safety blanket other than my Grams, so when she passed it was the most life changing and earth shattering thing for me. Losing her was like losing apart of my soul. So for her to be saying these things to me made everything seem kind of surreal. "I'm giving you back that piece of your soul, I am very much apart of your life my dear." Then Corinna looks at me and says "were you at the airport the other day?" to which I confusingly replied "uh, yea?" and she's says "yup, grams was there with you."  I got instant goosebumps.

The remainder of my reading was about my future, to which I am not going to share with you all as that can all be a surprise.  Just as it was for me because holy crap was it ever.  If you have ever honestly considered going to a medium, please go.  It will change you life. To those of you who know Josh,  please know that he is well and that he is happy and watches over each and every one of us everyday.  To those of you who knew my Grams,  you too, were lucky enough to know one of the most amazing people in the world and one of my two known Angels.

So here you have it.  My first blog post.  If you're wondering holy shit how did she remember all this from July!? I have a recording on my phone of it all.  I'm not spilling the beans on the juicy stuff!  I had to write about this because I know so many people who have lost a loved one and they are struggling to find closure. I ask you this:  Would you pass up a chance to talk to someone you love just one more time?