Life.

I find myself wondering everyday if I actually have made in impact on peoples lives and I always wonder if I've made the best decisions.  As I look around this beautiful home I have created and bought on my own will, I wonder if I was truly ready for such a big responsibility at such a young ripe age of 21.  Sure the stresses get me down sometimes, as owning your own home is extremely stressful and taxing on my emotions but I honestly feel that if I hadn't have done this, I'd probably still be living at home with my ma and pa.  Which necessarily isn't a completely awful thing, because don't get me wrong, I basically live there on weekends anyways, but I wouldn't have this sense of independence and self-sufficiency that I have now.

I find myself over analyzing every single thing I do, every single look I get from people.  That is not the way I want to live my life.  I miss being a happy  go-lucky, carefree girl!  I was having a conversation with someone a couple weeks ago and she said her "New Years Resolution" was to "find her smile again."  When I got home later that night I found myself sitting there wondering what that could mean in so many different aspects of my life.  Then it hit me. I've lost the one thing that made me, me.  My smile.  You could always see my happiness in my smile.  I was always smiling. Always.  It didn't matter if I didn't do something I was supposed to or made somebody upset, I always smiled because I knew I was going to get through it and come out a better person in the long run.  

I need to get back to that.  My new life motto is "que sera sera" for those of you who don't know what that means it is "whatever will be will be."  Life has a funny way of working itself out.  It gets tough. Oh fuck, does it get tough and there are days where you think you just can't get through it; there is always going to be something better. Something worth learning.  Something to grow from.  My life is far from perfect, yet in it's own little weird, quirky way, its kind of perfect for me.

Live. Grow. Learn. And most of all. LOVE.